joanie

it's easy to lose touch with people. masses of people, specific people... all too easy..

i accidentally reformatted the wrong thing or my computer just screwd up and i erased all saved emails from.. a specific person. i guess i was saving them for the memories. but perhaps that was one last thing not to let go off. now i have no addresses, no emails no memories. memories are nice to have, good ones of course, but everything is so fleeting and ultimately dose nothing for mee spiritually except to become a distraction from more important things. things that need to be top priority.

i wonder what my parents will finally say...

Wait for the boy who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of boy who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person, wait for the boy who will be your best friend, the person who will drop everything to be with you at any time of the day no matter what the circumstances, wait for the boy who makes you smile like no other, the boy who makes you smile and when he smiles, you know he needs you, and most of all wait for the boy who will put you at the center of his universe, because obviously, he's at the center of yours.


in the meanwhile i know God's watching over him as He continues to watch over me. it's a comfort to know and not have to worry about...

today i met two really awesome christian guys. one i knew from before and one a new person. and it's v.comforting and encouraging and hopeful to know that there are certainly godly MEN out there. and that's what i want for myself. that's what my friends want for mee too. [you know i say this alot, but my friends are so awesome, they are they type of poeple who say "i want a godly man for you joan!" how incredibly caring and highly do they think of mee, i am not worthy of such thought, they are great!] this has honestly been one of the only times in my life that i remember where i don't have a current crush , an interest or the desire to be in a relationship. i know i certainly have not taken my full advantage of singledom, but already see how much more clear my thinking is. i'm the type of person that will overdo things in a relationship, in a v.bad way. especially when it comes to time and priorities. so it's been good to focus on myself, although that doesn't necessarily mean that life has been "so great", but it is at the least more drama-free.

it was a little disconcerting to hear his name so many times in one sitting though. do i need to be reminded that he was such a great guy, goodlooking and nice. some people are funny. it's not that i don't agree with the things they said, but i felt like they were accusing mee of letting such a great catch go. like of course it must be the stupid girl's fault. *mini-sigh* i got over it as soon as the topic was closed. i mean geez, they heard more about him than they did about mee. did he make that good of an impression?

at least the impression he left on mee is slowly fading. the process of healing continues....

tonight while working at banana, i got "hit on"(?) by some customer. it was quite funny. and i realize what a siliee girl i am. i cannot seem to take compliments, so between mee showing him every single coat on the men's side he'd drop "you're cute" "you look nice" and kept looking mee straight in the eye smiling.. and what did i do??? i say "thank you" ever so politely and GIGGLE> i giggle and looked away. i'm siliee... joe says my giggling could be a sign to him that i actually like him. aigoooo.. no wonder he wouldn't go away. i mean he wasn't gross or anything, but i think i was more annoyed with my rxn. i can be pretty oblivious too, it took like upon the third compliment that he wasn't "just being nice". ha! my co-worker thought it was just hilarious~

sometimes i just never know if someone's interested unless you completely spell it out for mee. tell mee "i like you.. alot" and then maybe i'll be like oh MAYBE he's interested, which actually i never acknowledge until someone else kindly points out for mee. i figure usually (a) he's a v.nice person.. to everyone.. especially girls (b) he sees mee as a "sister" or (c) he's just lonely, and i'm just there.

even this guy tonight.. maybe he was just trying to get to my bananarepub discount!

ahh crushes, interests, likes... siliee stuff..
don't you remember, i'm the only one stupid enough to raise her hand for celibacy

[planning to see everything through... everything...]

what a weekend and a few couple of days it has been. i just dropped katherine off at the airport less than two hours ago. and i am feeling v.depressed. in a confusing and distressing kind of way. even though i've had to say goodbye to her before, and i didn't see her for a good five months, this time feels like a bigger goodbye. i guess as time goes by for everyone and all relationships that are long-distance, it just gets harder and harder to keep people apart of your life. i mean you meet new people and have new priorities. not that people are not important to you or you do not care as much as you did, but in a way you do not. in a way things are starting to change and you just cannot go back. even though i'm still in chapel hill i ended up seeing people this weekend that i have not in awhile. i've lost touch with masses of poeple. but i'd like to think the individuals who are most important in my life still know that...

but to think and imagine, this may be the last time i see [you]... that's insane, but that's life as well isn't it? you meet so many people, so many poeple come in and out of your life. and in some way they touch you and you touch them.. i mean that's great and all, but... *sigh* change is hard to deal with sometimes. i think i have not been good at dealing with it for a huge part of my life.

i miss "someone". and i wonder about other missed opportunities [i.e."someone else"]. i know the timing wasn't good, that was my justification for everything. lately i'm starting to think timing may be important but it's not the definition of things... and you know you still think "what if". i just need to not let them drive mee crazy.

so timing is evrything.. there was someone over the summer but i pushed him away because i kept telling myself "i'm not ready i won't be ready for a v.long time" and now i think back and it's like why. and what if. and like esp since HE went ahead and started dating, why didn't i? i thought it would be pretty rude if i did, i mean there IS some sort of time-period isn't there? i know there are no rules, but really there are SOME. and now they both have others. and i think i'm just feeling at a loss. *sigh* i don't care, they don't care so why should i...

so this weekend has been fun. most def. katherine, carolina, zhaowei, hildy. and many toher s&m-ers i havne't seen in forever-brandi, karenspencer, phillip, etc... partying like crazy like old times. i haven't been partying in so long it was fun. but i realize of course it's not about the partying, it's about the people you are with. so i shall return to my happy anti-social existent as soon as katherine leaves to go back to hongkong again... i said HAPPY, so it's all good :)

club element last night was.. HOT. hot like sweaty and can't-breathe. and i mean literally. i've never had such a clausterpobic-attack like last night. i was sitting in this half circle booth with people and then all of a sudden more poeple stil in it and eventually i was the one in the dead center, meaning cannot get out. and then i just couldn't stand it. i jumped oVER the table right out the door. and you know a person that is semi-clausterpobic does NOT NEED people to CROWD around her and ask her are you ok.. uuh give mee some space PLEASE> the bouncer thought i was stupid "she shoudln't be at a club if she's clausterphobic" (omg am i killing the spelling of this word totally? i dunno.) *sigh* people prolly just thought i was relaly drunk or seomthing (which i was not thankyouvmuch) blahblah, i'm never going clubbing again (well at least not to element, the ventilation in that place sucks.)

watch movie love actually. so cute!! il loved it. may watch again tomorrow yay~ want soundtrack possibly. british accents, sexy.

have you ever seen the episode of ally mcbeal where billy dies? i saw it on tv randomly.. it was so sad.. he was her bestfriend, and she loved him and he loved her, even though he got married to someone else it didn't mean that their love wasn't important or real. it was just a special kind of love, like he was always there for ally whenever she needed a real friend because he knew her best.

even in the last ever episode of allymcbeal he reappears and she finally lets go of him, he was the true love of her life, but not the one she was to end up with. he wasn't the one and only one, just a true love. [ahh i love ally she's so quirky and cute~ and gives hope to those of us that are have that lil bit of weirdness.. hehe]

changing my opinions... about onetrueloves and such.. maybe it's ok to fall in love more than once. i mean it doesn't mean it wasn't real at the time does it??

katherine is here for the next week and i'm reliving "senior year" all over again.. already it's been so much fun and relaxing to have her here, can't wait for the rest of our girliee group to come. but with people from the past comes memories that somehow unearth themselves. sometimes... it's just time to move on you know? and that's ok...

[under the influence of something stranger than love....]

aww i haven't updated this livejournal thingy. need to get used to it. keep reverting to xangaaaa~ which actually i haven't updated that much lately either. actually i've been doing alot of "real"-journaling, in my cute purple journal. we all certainly have lost the art of writing... want to write more letters, but it's so much easier to write an email// *sigh*

so i saw THE LION KING tonight. it's been like years and years, so much that this experience felt like i was watching it for the first time alll over again. and can i say WOW what an awesome disney movie. i never relaly had a "favorite disney movie", but now i think i do! so many parts made want to cry, but part of the reason i didn't was that i kind-sorta remembered what was going to happen next. although i actually teared at the part where nala and simba meet again, and he remembers her. it's probably the thought of finding a lost love that just went straight to my heart.. hehe, i'm such a sucker for romance. oh and also simba reminded mee of an "old love" i geuss so maybe that was the real reason [if a cartoon/animated lion actually could remind you of a person..]. anyways. my next dvd buy if i ever choose to buy a dvd.. perhaps~~

halloween is tomorrow. be safe.

so i made a miscalculation and i think i made a bigstupid mistake with someone. i have noo idea what i'm thinking, i think first of all i need to give space between the two of us so that i don't get confused again. and then i'll definitely need to apologize :( i'm such a horrible friend if anything. and horribly inconsiderate. someone once told mee that i was a v.UNgenerous girlfriend. i guess that means selfish too. i'm being selfish right now aren't i?

*sigh*

do you ever start liking someone because of someone else's tiny suggestion, consideration? when nothing would ever formulate if it weren't for that suggestion, as far as your thougths and feelings go? maybe i let other people influence mee too much. aish i don't want to like anyone right now~ boo.

my first livejournal entry.. hmmm interesting...